Selfish
by Twisted Anjel
Summary: > Hermione has had her heart broken way too many times for comfort. She's given up on love and all it's pain. But can Harry convince her to give love another chance and to make her see that he's the only one for her?


Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
Summary: Hermione has had her heart broken way too many times for comfort. She's given up on love and all it's pain. But can Harry convince her to give love another chance and to make her see that he's the only one for her?  
  
Author's Note: Yes, I know, another one shot ficlet by me. What can I say? I'm obsessed. This is done from both Harry and Hermione's POV in first person. Takes place in their seventh year at Hogwarts (like always). The song is "Selfish" by Nsync (I'm over them, honest, but I love this song), and as you guessed, this is a song fic -- Oh, and by the way, I switched some of the verses around to fit the scenes so they're not in order. Please let me know what you think (preferably in a review) and go check out some of my other fics (please?)~ Enjoy! Twisted*Angel   
  
Selfish   
  
I know I'm being completely irrational but I can't help it. I mean, if you were cheated on by four different guys, then mistreated by two, wouldn't you give up on the male race entirely? It seems to me like I'm a magnet for horrible wizards. Literally. Even ask Harry, he came up with the term himself.  
  
Harry ... That reminds me.  
  
* I just don't understand  
  
Why you're running from a good guy, baby  
  
Why you wanna turn your back on love  
  
Why you've already given up *  
  
"Hey, Mio."  
  
I looked up to see Harry looking down at me, a friendly grin playing on his handsome face. My heart did a swift flip flop and I sat up straighter. Why I couldn't get over the fact that Harry was my best friend, and best friend only, was beyond me.  
  
"Hey, Potter. What brings you here?" I asked, smiling as he sat next to me in one of the library's stiff chairs.  
  
"Just wanted to see how my favorite girl was doing," he responded, scanning the scroll that was sprawled out on front of me. "Transfiguration assignment?" he asked, scrunching up his nose.  
  
I nodded, glancing down at the table where piles of my books were set out. "Thought I'd get a head start."  
  
"Figures. Just like you to get a head start two months in advance," he said with a smirk.  
  
I punched him in the arm and laughed when he faked a painful expression.  
  
After a moment of silence, I shifted in my seat and looked at him from the corner of my eye. I knew he wanted to ask me. "Go ahead," I said, smiling slightly.  
  
Harry sighed and leaned back in his chair, his expression serious. "Are you okay?" he finally asked, turning his breathtakingly green eyes in my direction, flooding me with his concern.  
  
I just shrugged. What was there to say? I just found out Evan, my recent boyfriend (ex, to be exact), was cheating on me with Cho Chang. Gee, what a surprise. "I'm fine, I guess," I lied, shrugging again. "It's not like I'm not used to it."  
  
This was true. I don't know why, but my boyfriends had the bad habit of always cheating on me. I personally think it's me, but her, that's just me. The only ones who didn't cheat was Ron, which the relationship lasted only a couple of days, both of us positive friendship was the only thing we would ever be compatible with, and Dean, who was the one that thought I was a slave and not his girlfriend (Harry took care of that though). What in the bloody world is wrong with me?  
  
He turned his body towards me then and took my hands in his warm ones. "Don't say that. They just don't know what they have when they've got it and then wish they had it back when they lose it," he told me.  
  
I laughed, causing Madame Pince to glare at me and jam a finger against her lips. I swear, that lady has peripheral vision.  
  
"What?" he asked, giving me a puzzled look.  
  
"You sound like you're talking about an old toy instead of me!"  
  
He turned slightly red. "Sorry," he mumbled then the serious expression returned. "But I'm serious, Mio. They don't deserve you. They don't know the wonderful woman I do and it's their loss."  
  
"Aw, that's sweet Harry, but I know you're saying that to cheer me up. I'm okay, really. I shed the tears and let out my anger and now I'm out of tears and steam. So, please stop trying to make me feel better because I don't need the pity speech."  
  
Harry shook his head. "It's not a pity speech. I'm sick of all these guys treating you like crap. What I said is true and if I said what I really feel about you, you'd run."  
  
I stopped then. What? "And how exactly do you feel about me, Harry Potter?" I asked with a playful smile though my heart was beating so loud it roared in my ears. I didn't want him to tell me, yet I did want him to tell.  
  
"Well .. I, I um ..." he cleared his throat and shifted in his seat nervously. I was finding this entertaining, seeing the Savior of the World fidgeting under my steady gaze.  
  
Lucky for him (and me), Ron chose that moment to burst into the library and cause a loud commotion, causing Madame Pince to rush over to us and begin to scold. After nodding earnestly at the annoyed librarian, she walked away huffily, mumbling to herself.  
  
Ron shook his head and stifled a laugh. "Honestly, Ron! Do you always have to upset her?" I asked, secretly laughing myself.  
  
Ron just nodded and covered his mouth with his hand until the fit of laughter passed. "So, what's up guys?" he asked, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened.  
  
Though my two best friends think I don't see them shooting secret glances at each other over my head, I chose not to say anything as Harry shot Ron a look of pleading.  
  
I knew what Harry was going to say when Ron interrupted us and I didn't want to hear it. It's not that I don't love him, I do, so much it hurts. But I couldn't handle another boyfriend who would break my already broken heart. So that's why I jumped up, trying to act casual, before Ron (though wonderful, very slow at taking hints) could understand the meaning of Harry's look and rush off to leave us alone.  
  
"Well, I have to go. McGonagall wants me to tutor a first year so I best be off," I know I lied, but what could I do? Before either of my boys could reply, I practically ran out of the library, which had begun to feel a bit stuffy with all the emotions running wild.  
  
My parents had always told me never to run from a problem, instead, to stand and face it. But what if that problem was your best friend who you were almost sure felt the same way about you that you did about him? What if you didn't want to land in another relationship only to end up in those endless, dreaded tears? Or the late night hours spent trying to figure out what was wrong with you and why guys seemed to flock from you as if you were Voldemort himself?  
  
I felt ashamed at my lie and my escape. But I didn't want Harry to ask me out. Why?  
  
Because I didn't want to break his heart when I declined.  
  
* See I know you've been hurt before  
  
But I swear I'll give you so much more  
  
I swear I'll never let you down  
  
'Cause I swear it's you that I adore  
  
And I can't help myself, babe  
  
'Cause I think about you constantly  
  
And my heart gets no rest over you *  
  
I watched her practically run out of the library and away from me. Now that I'm sitting here in the Gryffindor Common Room, I could curse myself. Ugh! Why do I have to be such a pathetic git?  
  
I'm sure Hermione knows how I feel about her but she seems to like torturing me. Or, maybe, she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings when I ask her out and she says no.  
  
That's it. And I know why she would say no. It's not because she doesn't like me like that or that she doesn't want to ruin our perfect friendship (Ron included, though I know he won't mind. Believe me, he's given me an earful on how I should tell her, all of which I've decided not to use).  
  
She's afraid that she'll end up with a heartache again. She's been betrayed by so many wizards that she's lost her faith in love. But doesn't she know that I would never hurt her?  
  
"Well, there's always another try, mate," Ron says, smacking me on the back of the head.  
  
I turn to glare at him, rubbing the back of my head. "Shove off, " I snap.  
  
Ron gives me an amused look, not fazed by my rudeness. I guess he's gotten used to my swift mood changes since I've tried to tell Hermione that I love her.  
  
"You'll never get her to love you if you act like that, Potter," he advises with a smirk.  
  
I growl at him and stand up, then march my way to the portrait hole. "She's by the lake!" I hear him shout after me before the portrait slams shut behind me.  
  
Despite my fowl mood, I smile as I make my way outside. Ron really does mean well.  
  
I push open the heavy oak doors and, shivering, pull my cloak tighter around my body. I look at the ground and brace myself against the harsh wind. I'm wondering how Hermione can even be out here with such weather. Did I just feel something wet land on my head? Oh great, now the rains beginning to pelt down on me and it seems to be getting harder by the second.  
  
I finally make it to our tree, the one next to the lake that me, Hermione, and Ron like to sit and relax at. I see her sitting on the ground, her back against the thick tree trunk. She seems oblivious to the cold, wind, and even the rain that's falling down on her.  
  
I prepare myself to scold; she's not even wearing a cloak! Instead, when I see the sad look on her face, I plop down on the wet earth next to her. She turns to look at me slowly and I see that there are tears in her eyes.  
  
It always breaks my heart when I see her crying or hurt, especially when she's sad over a guy. Like right now, and I'm the cause of those tears and the sadness.  
  
I bend to take off my cloak and give it to her out of instinct but then I realize my cloak is drenched and won't do her any good.  
  
"You're going to get sick," I say after a while, not knowing what else to say.  
  
Hermione just shrugs and keeps her gaze straight, not meeting my own concerned gaze. "I don't care," she says, her voice devoid of emotion.  
  
"Hermione ..." I say her name softly, then trail off, not knowing how to start. "I'm sorry," I decide that this is the safest phrase right now.  
  
I wasn't prepared for the look or the words she threw at me, who would be?  
  
"You're selfish, you know that?" she suddenly shouts. She looks angry and the wind that's whipping around her face and throwing her hair in every direction isn't helping her any, either.  
  
"Wh-what?" I ask, caught completely off guard.  
  
"You're selfish!" she shouts again. She stands up and faces me as I scramble to my feet.  
  
"I-I don't --"  
  
"No, let me finish! You think that just because I don't have a boyfriend now you can saunter up to me and tell me you love me. After this declaration of love, you think I'll fall into your arms and forget about everything! I've been hurt way too many times, Harry, and I can't take it anymore! I'm through with men and I'm through with love, do you hear me? It's never done anything for me but play with my heart then breaks it into a thousand pieces that I keep trying to pick up and glue together. "You think that just because you love me and I love you that the world and everything in it will be perfect. Well, get out of your little dream world, Harry! This isn't only about you. It's not always about you! Ugh! You're hopeless, do you know that? Despite what many people think, you are not perfect, you can't make everyone's pain go away, especially when you cause that pain! Why can't you see that?" with tears streaming down her face, she turns and runs from me (for the second time in one day), leaving me alone.  
  
I continue to stand there like an idiot. Her words are floating around in my head and I feel dizzy. Well, at least I know she loves me back. But I also know that I've caused her pain, pain I probably didn't even know was there. I shiver and feel the rain spilling down my cheeks.  
  
Or are those my tears?  
  
* You can call me selfish  
  
But all I want is your love  
  
You can call me hopeless, baby  
  
'Cause I'm hopelessly in love  
  
You can call me unperfect  
  
But who's perfect?  
  
Tell me what do I gotta do  
  
To prove that I'm the only one for you  
  
What's wrong with being selfish? *  
  
Oh my, don't I feel silly. I just blew up at Harry and told him I loved him all in one breath. I feel my cheeks heating up and it's not from the blazing fireplace so close to me. I look around me but I'm the only one in the common room, after all, it is after twelve.  
  
After I ran from Harry, I hid in my private dorm (being Head Girl has many advantages) until I was sure everyone had gone to bed. Now here I am, in my pajamas and a hot cup of cocoa, thanks to Dobby.  
  
I sniffle and lean my head against the arm of the couch, stretching out and sinking into it's overstuffed comfort. Closing my eyes, I sigh and wipe away a tear that slipped pass my lids.  
  
I really screwed everything up.  
  
Here, Harry tells me something I've been wanting to hear since I was a little girl, dreaming about princes on white horses, rescuing a kidnapped princess, then falling in love and living happily ever after. And what do I do? I scream at him as if he just told me he's impregnated Cho Chang, for Merlin's sake!  
  
I know Harry would never hurt me and I know we're meant to be, but am I really ready to take that large leap from best friends to lovers? And how do I know for sure that he won't hurt me? Even unintentionally?  
  
Because, he's Harry! I shout at myself, though not out loud, no point in waking up all of Gryffindor Tower. My best friend for seven years, the guy who's been there for me through thick and thin. Who's stayed up with me, letting me cry on his shoulder every time I found out another of my prat boyfriends had done something stupid, then rubbing my back until I fall asleep, murmuring soft words of reassurance. Brave, kind, compassionate, handsome Harry, who would give his life to save both me and Ron, and the rest of the world. The one who always stops me and Ron from getting into any huge blowouts. The one who puts his fears and dreams behind everyone else's. The one who ...  
  
The one who I would die for. The one who I'm trying so hard to keep my heart away from.  
  
* Why do you keep us apart  
  
Why won't you give up you heart  
  
You know that we're meant to be together  
  
Why do you push me away  
  
All that I want is to give you love  
  
Forever and ever and ever and ever ... *  
  
I push back the covers and push myself up, reaching for my glasses in the thick darkness. I can't sleep with all the tossing and turning I keep doing.  
  
"12:30?" I mumble, rubbing my eyes before pushing my glasses over my eyes. "I might as well go down to the common room to think," I say to myself, before heading out the door, blocking out Ron's snores and Neville's murmurs.  
  
I make my way quietly down the winding staircase, yawning ever so slightly. As I get closer, I can see a figure sprawled out on one of the large couches in front of the fireplace. I'm about to go back upstairs when the person sneezes and I realize it's Hermione.  
  
Do you see how much I love her? I can even identify her sneeze!  
  
"Bless you," I say, walking up to her and plopping myself down on the armchair in front of her.  
  
She jumps, momentarily startled. Then, her face turning pink, she says, "Thank you," softly, briefly glancing at me.  
  
We both become silent and stare at the flames dancing around, lost in our own thoughts that are exactly the same. I glance over at her, and I try to choke down the lump that has suddenly formed in my throat. She looks so lonely and sad, sitting like that with her legs up against her chest, her arms hugging her knees. Her chin is resting on her knees and the flames are reflecting in her beautiful, soft, brown eyes, showing me the pained expression that's lying there.  
  
"Hermione ..."  
  
"Harry ..."  
  
We both say at the same time. Looking at each other, we smile slightly, then Hermione turns her head to face the fire once more. I see her eyes misting over but I say nothing, knowing she wants to speak first.  
  
"Listen, Harry," she begins, not looking at me. "I, um, I'm really sorry for ..." she clears her throat as her voice begins to break.  
  
"It's okay, Mio. I -"  
  
"No, just let me finish," she tells me, holding up her hand to silence me. I nod and shut my mouth, resting my head in my hand as I stare at her. She still won't look at me as she continues. "I shouldn't have blew up at you like that, earlier. I shouldn't have said the things I did, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it. It was just that I was -- am -- so confused ..." she trails off and looks at me then. She has tears in her eyes but I can tell she's trying hard to hold them back.  
  
Staring straight into her eyes, I smile, and reply, "You didn't even mean the part where you told me you loved me?"  
  
* I'll be taking up your time  
  
'Til the day I make you realize  
  
That for you there could be no one else  
  
I just gotta have you for myself *  
  
"W-what?" she asks in a choked whisper.  
  
I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees, not tearing my eyes away from hers. "You told, or rather shouted, that you loved me. Is that true? Or was that just your anger talking?" I can tell, as my words sink in, that she's going to get angry but I have to make sure.  
  
"Yes, that's true. But, Harry, is that the only thing you heard? Were you even paying attention to what I was trying to get through to you?" she cries, trying to keep her voice under control.  
  
I lean even further and grasp her trembling hands in mine. "I heard all of it, Mio. I know you're hurting, but I also know that you haven't given up on love. All those wizards you've dated (except for Ron. You guys are just not compatible that way) are complete bastards. They didn't know you for you and they didn't want to know the real you. "I know you inside and out, no matter how much you try to hide. I know that your birthday is on August eighth and that you're seventeen. I know that your mum's name is Alexis and your dad's name is Steven. I know that you're the smartest witch in all of Hogwarts, and that you prize your studying beyond everything else -"  
  
"But Harry," she interrupts. I'm still holding her hands but she makes no move to remove them, for which I'm grateful. "Anyone can know that. Those aren't ..." But I hold up my hand to stop her then continue on.  
  
"I know that you have a scar right behind your ear when Crookshanks became angry and tried to climb on top of your head when you were fifteen. I know that you hate flying and hate watching me dive in Quidditch. I know you secretly love bickering with Ron, though you act angry. I know how much you love chocolate frogs (though you won't admit it, since your parents are dentists) and pumpkin juice. I know you love cheesecake and pumpkin pie. "I know you love the sound of rain splattering on the window and that you think wizard's chess is barbarian but you watch me and Ron anyway, because it gives you a feeling of content (why, I don't know). Reading Hogwarts: A History calms you down and no matter how many times you've read it, you still find some new fact each time.  
  
"I know that your worst habit is biting your nails and that you fidget when your nervous. I know that you bite your bottom lip and murmur to yourself when you're concentrating, and that you twirl your hair around your finger when you're day dreaming. "I know that you were terrified when we faced Voldemort in our sixth year but you stuck by me throughout the whole way. I know you don't want to get emotionally involved with someone until after you graduate because you wan to concentrate on your studies. I know you got your first kiss when you were fifteen and don't want to get intimate with anyone until you're sure he's the one. You want to have twins, a boy and a girl, and want to live in a house outside of London. You secretly want to become an Auror but won't admit it to anyone because you don't want them to laugh.  
  
"I know that your eyes turn dark when you're angry or sad and they brighten when you laugh or smile. I know that you love the smell of barbecue and secretly adore watching Ron and I fly around on our brooms. I know that you hate your bushy hair and that you smell like roses. I know that you think wearing make-up and staying with the latest fashion is a waste of time and frivolous but you sometimes long to be a part of Lavender's and Parvati's 'girl sessions.' I know that you and Sirius have already began planning a surprise birthday for me though it's months away.  
  
"I know that you love me and Ron and would die for us. I know you think you're ugly and plain but I think you're the most beautiful witch I have ever seen and will see. I think you're the smartest witch of out time and that you'll be a great wife and mother. But most of all, My Mio, I know that you love me and that you're scared of being hurt again," I finally stop here to catch my breath. Hermione has tears streaming down her cheeks but she looks happy, yet shocked.  
  
"Now I want you to know that I would never hurt you. I would die before I ever even think of hurting you. I don't plan on dating you then leaving you for someone else. I love you, Hermione. More than life itself, more than I thought it was possible to love someone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you'll have me. I want to wake up every day and see you in my arms. More importantly, I want to know that you'll always be by my side and I will always be by your's."  
  
* Baby, I would take good care of you  
  
No matter what it is you're going through  
  
I'll be there for you when you're in need  
  
Baby, believe in me  
  
'Cause if love is a crime  
  
Then punish me  
  
I would die for you  
  
'Cause I don't want to live without you  
  
Oh, what can I do? *  
  
Okay, not only can I not shut my mouth but I can't stop the tears either.  
  
Did Harry just say all that? Everything? I think I might faint.  
  
No one knows more than half of the things he has just told me and I'm speechless for the first time in my life.  
  
I open and close my mouth like a fish out of water but the words can't pass the large lump in my throat. Oh, how much I love him! I love him more now than I did a second ago. Now if I could only tell him that ...  
  
"Hermione?" he says my name softly. "Please say something," he's still holding my hands but begins to rub his thumb over my knuckles gently.  
  
I shake my head back and forth then jump up, throwing myself into his arms. I feel him wrap his strong arms around me and his tears are mixing in with my sobs.  
  
After a couple of minutes my sobbing stops and I pull away to look at him. His eyes are brighter than I've ever seen them and he has an ear to ear grin on his face. "I do love you," I tell him, something he already knows. "And I want to be with you forever and ever," I know this sounded cheesy but it was true. I never wanted to let him go, ever.  
  
I wanted to kiss him senseless just then but a loud whoop from the stairs interrupts us and we swerve around to find the source of the noise.  
  
Ron, along with the rest of the Gryffindors were gathered on the stairs, all smiling from ear to ear. "Finally!" Ron shouts, jumping up in the air.  
  
Then suddenly, everyone begins to clap and I can feel my face become hot. Were they listening to everything? How embarrassing!  
  
I'm going to kill Ron!  
  
* You can call me selfish  
  
But all I want is your love  
  
You can call me hopeless  
  
Because I'm hopelessly in love  
  
You can call me unperfect  
  
But who's perfect? *  
  
I shoo everyone out of the common room and back to their dorms, giving Ron a beaming smile before I shut the door.  
  
I run back down to Hermione, who's blushing as red as Ron's hair. She looks up at me and smiles shyly and my heart begins to pound. This is the moment I've been waiting for. The moment that I was born for.  
  
I step closer and take her hands in mine, pulling her closer. I wrap my arms around her waist and press my lips against hers. She stiffens at first but then I feel her melt into me then responds to the kiss.  
  
She snakes her arms up my chest and lets her hands get tangled in my hair, her fingers lightly playing with the small hairs on the nape of my neck.  
  
I tighten my grip, wanting her as close to me as possible. As I deepen the kiss, I hear her moan softly, causing my stomach to do flip flops. Knowing that I make her feel the same way she makes me feel, sends my heart on roller coaster ride, and I press her closer.  
  
We stumble over to the couch without breaking contact and I lower her down gently, resting one hand on the back of her head and the other one is on her arm, making slow circles on her forearm.  
  
Her hands are roaming under my shirt. The skin that she's touching is burning under her fingertips and I feel as if my whole body is on fire.  
  
Merlin, I love this feeling.  
  
* Tell me what do I gotta do  
  
To prove that I'm the only one for you  
  
Selfishly I'm in love with you  
  
'Cause I've searched my soul and know that it's you *  
  
I shift on the couch, trying to get him as close to me as possible. Suddenly all I want to do is consume him in kisses. I've never felt this way before. Sure I've been kissed plenty of times before but none of those amateur kisses compare to this. Harry's hands are making their way across my body and I burn at his touch. We break for air but he moves his mouth from mine and traces his soft lips against my jaw line. Then he moves over to my neck, letting his tongue slide across my skin. I shiver with pleasure and feel him smile against my neck.  
  
"Harry ..." I murmur, as he makes his way down my body. "Love you ..." I mumble, as I take his face in my hands and bring his lips back up to mine.  
  
"Love you, too, My Mio. Forever, and ever, and ever ..." He mumbles back before covering my lips with his.  
  
Merlin, I love this feeling.  
  
* Selfishly I'm in love with you  
  
'Cause I've searched my soul and know that it's you  
  
To prove that I'm the only one for you  
  
What's wrong with being selfish, selfish, selfish ...  
  
So what's wrong with being selfish ... yeah * 


End file.
